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The Griffin Inquest.


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#1 KShaw

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Posted 26 March 2007 - 03:27 PM

The Griffin Inquest
The High Inquisition


In the ages of the mystic beast. Ancient Kings, Dragon Masters, Wizards, and Rogues roamed Middle Earth. A creature lived and ruled both land and air, the Griffin. Both cursed and gifted with wisdom and courage - and feared by enemies of the Earth, the Necromancers.
In the days before our present heroes the Griffins gave birth to the last of their generation. They were much smaller and non the wise.
Noticing his kind was dieing, the Griffin King Dior Galeanio gave his eldest son as a sacrifice to the homo sapiens King of the nearby lands his closest enemy.
He devised a plan, a deal with them that they would protect the lands for as long as the human race lived. That they would fight and stay alive in order to protect the Sacred, Rich, and Surreptitious lands of the Griffin.
The King knew of these lands, he knew that they were filled with lushes of weapons, gold, and treasures beyond his wildest dreams. And that one day the Griffins would be no more and he and his followers would harvest the lands of it’s riches.

Many years later as he wished, the Griffins were gone. The last was a youngling, who fell from the skies and into the castle grounds.
Receiving this information, the king wasted no time collecting his gear to visit the home of the lost beast.
He marched with his followers and progressed through thick forest and impossible mountains thinking about the great mysteries they will find. As they progressed they encountered Dragons and dangerous creatures whom never seem to attack. It seems that the faction was marked by the Griffin as holy, therefore they were now the rulers of the Griffin’s haven.

Halting to a stop, the king felt the blood rushing through his body. Looking around him he begins to realise why this had happen, they had arrived. What he saw changed his intentions as if he had received a secret message sent by the nearby trees. The trees were slowly shaking side to side with a very relaxing rhythm that made him understand how peaceful the Griffins were.
Suddenly a bird flew onto his sword, which was stuck into the ground. Normally he would have shoved the bird or killed it but he was so in-tuned with his surroundings that he felt he had the power to control it and everything within it.

He had just realised his new strength. Only just now he realised how powerful the Griffins were and why they would give him such might.
The deal with the Griffin King was clear, he was given power over the lands to protect it from anything that would be harmful to its content.

Suddenly, the bird flew from his sword. The sword begun to change as veins grew larger and lager onto it. In seconds it was cover with lard thick veins, which vanished into the sword; giving it a new coat and a glistening shine.
Shocked and surprised the king quickly looks around to find that the armour of his faction have all been changed.
They found scratches on their armour, writings that said ‘The Griffin Inquisition †’.

Marching back to the castle in their new shining armour, they found that everywhere they stepped, a piece of the forest would follow them. Eventually, the whole kingdom turned into a forest, filled with fruits, colourful trees, mystical creatures, and many more. The king’s power grew and grew as they expanded the forest and every day they would see a new animal.
The villagers were stunned and horrified to see the forest moving into their homes. Though the villagers didn’t have any power, they noticed that the closer they got to the king (in rank), the more they felt his power.

The king dubbed his most trusted ‘The High Inquisitors’. This lead to the administration of The Griffin Inquest. Except the story of the great king vanished, as he did countless years ago.


Notes:
I don't write alot of stories so ere... this really is my first. The whole idea developed from my love of alliance. Ofcourse i didn't just sit down and think it all up because most of it did develped as a wrote. I hope you liked it.
Old Man Krodigy says, "Listen 'ere youngens.... back'en my day we didn't have no fancy schamny computer gizmo mapping systems. We used PAPER, *wheez* and PENCILS!




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#2 竜王聖帝

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Posted 31 March 2007 - 10:31 PM

This, my friend, is a powerful story you've written.

#3 JadeCurtiss

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Posted 01 April 2007 - 03:30 AM

I must say, this is quite the story you've written, though I must add that it's in the wrong section.
Nothing to see here. Move along now.

#4 KShaw

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Posted 01 April 2007 - 11:15 AM

Wrong section? Really?
Where is the right section?

Edit Thanks!!!

Edited by KShaw, 01 April 2007 - 11:16 AM.

Old Man Krodigy says, "Listen 'ere youngens.... back'en my day we didn't have no fancy schamny computer gizmo mapping systems. We used PAPER, *wheez* and PENCILS!


#5 JadeCurtiss

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Posted 01 April 2007 - 11:33 AM

Well, it says this forum is for 'Mapling experiences'. I think it's all right though, since there isn't a place for non-Maple related fanfiction.
Nothing to see here. Move along now.

#6 Dopple

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Posted 12 April 2013 - 02:52 PM

Did I read a bizarro version of the story or something? The ideas were mildly interesting, but I almost got an aneurysm trying to make my way through this patchy mess of incongruent and borderline incoherent sentence fragments.

In the ages of the mystic beast. Ancient Kings, Dragon Masters, Wizards, and Rogues roamed Middle Earth. A creature lived and ruled both land and air, the Griffin. Both cursed and gifted with wisdom and courage - and feared by enemies of the Earth, the Necromancers.

That's a lot of stuff for little to no further information about them. From the first actual sentence you could assume that "Ancient Kings" roam the earth in a similar manner to "Rogues" and "Dragon Masters," but with some thought, they probably don't. Speaking of descriptions that raise more questions than answer them...

They were much smaller and non the wise.

What?

the Griffin King Dior Galeanio gave his eldest son as a sacrifice to the homo sapiens King of the nearby lands his closest enemy.

How?

The last was a youngling, who fell from the skies and into the castle grounds.

Why?

The sword begun to change as veins grew larger and lager onto it. In seconds it was cover with lard thick veins,

lager-beer.jpg

Aww yiss, sword infused with the ancient magicks of booze and animal fat.

I also like how wisdom is apparently something you're bestowed through external forces, and not something you attain through trial and hardship. Doesn't cheapen it or anything, oh, no... If even a bunch of greedy jerkwads can have a change of heart approaching deus ex proportions, then what's stopping anyone else from being qualified for the position?


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#7 Dopple

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 11:04 PM

One other little thing that I didn't mention:

Griffin King Dior Galeanio



Names. Dior is a well known perfume brand. Oh, no, but this is GRIFFIN KING Dior, not perfume Dior! However, do you want people making a mental association with perfume every time they read your character's name? Check them.

Edited by Dopple, 30 June 2013 - 11:33 PM.

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#8 竜王聖帝

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 08:41 AM

Well, it's been almost 6 years since the author posted this, so maybe he got better...?

#9 Dopple

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 03:58 PM

Of course!

and please don't let my critique/criticism fool you if you actually think I am posting for people who will never even read it, it has always been about entertainment, not about helping anyone


Now if I suspected that this person would see my criticism, I'd be much more technical (read: lengthy and boring) with my advice in the first place. Or just not say anything, because genuinely critiquing old writing is pretty pointless. As it stands, though, it's not like I'm hurting anyone anyway.

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#10 竜王聖帝

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Posted 02 July 2013 - 12:26 PM

Oh, Dopple, you sly bastard.

#11 Dopple

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 06:04 AM

And I still haven't figured out how to pronounce his last name.

I've got a peeve against ugly-sounding or otherwise ill-fitting character names. There is however an exception where my friend and I agreed to default the names of our villain characters to "Chester." Who's Chester? Some jerk from Ys: The Oath in Felghana that you have to fight multiple times. I've heard people scream in rage trying to beat him, but I personally really liked those encounters. Quick and brutal.


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#12 竜王聖帝

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 03:09 PM

Hey, ill-fitting names don't set them up to seem dangerous, which is something they can do to catch you off guard.

#13 Dopple

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 11:28 PM

But that's situational, isn't it? Chester is a bad name for anybody, period, and I don't think it sounds innocuous, either. (I hadn't brought it up at the time of making this post, but chester literally means "fortress." Cool concept, ugly syllables. Too bad for that.)

Other sample terrible names: Eckhart (MapleStory), Testo[stero]nen (MapleStory again), Spikenard (some really awful book that uses a lot of food metaphors to describe the heroine), Ludger (lewd-ger, Tales of Xillia 2--I don't care if this is legit, darn it), Dentalhygiene (someone's idea of an OC in a universe where names like "Bluestar" and "Featherwing" are common), anything this person comes up with:
 

I must say, this is quite the story you've written, though I must add that it's in the wrong section. I also misspell the names of my own characters a lot.


For the love of Death himself, even that guy advertising his mediocre-as-all-heck novel on this site had a passable name for his main character.


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#14 竜王聖帝

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Posted 09 July 2013 - 07:56 PM

Eckhart seems like a good name.

#15 Hentai

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Posted 09 July 2013 - 10:35 PM

Eckhart is a terrible name. It's what you say when you get a heart attack!

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#16 Dopple

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Posted 09 July 2013 - 10:42 PM

Heh, that's pretty good. Here's what I said about it previously.

The first syllable is close to being an exclamation of disgust, and the word as a whole is a chore on the tongue.

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#17 竜王聖帝

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Posted 10 July 2013 - 06:31 PM

Eckhart is a terrible name. It's what you say when you get a heart attack!

I have to admit, that got me pretty good.

#18 Dopple

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Posted 06 September 2013 - 04:34 PM

I think the queen's name should be Chanel Galeanio

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#19 Dopple

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Posted 17 September 2013 - 02:19 AM


Well, it's been almost 6 years since the author posted this, so maybe he got better...?


Of course!


You know what actually, I'm having a foot-in-mouth episode right now 'cause I'm kinda appalled how little some folks can improve over six years. It didn't occur to me it was even possible until I saw someone toting over 850 drawings in their gallery without a shred of improvement for their characters' deformed sausage fingers. I'll give to OP that at least his writing has some humanity to it. Look-at-me-clever-sentences can come secondary. 

 

Finding someone who can tell great stories is much rarer than finding someone with solid grammar. All the (relative) technical superiority of Maple Legend never made me like it.


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#20 Dopple

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Posted 09 July 2014 - 07:45 PM

One of the best worst naming conventions I've seen to date. Meet Ar, Ani, Mi, Whee, Traps, Po, and a random farmer whose only line of dialogue is "My name is Gilgamesh."

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

a blue scarf extends across the field blinding everyone

 

 

 

A metal thong is heard and his foot is stuck in one of traps contraptions.

 

 

 

traps contraptions.

 

lol


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