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[Submission] The birth of a hero


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#1 Maplekidd

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Posted 19 June 2010 - 04:47 PM

Adventurers rose up quite frequently, infact, almost constantly. Yet, none of them were really that special, they were all flat and the same. Some of them weren't even that determined - They'd stop half way through their journey, and return to the normal life. It was only once in a while when a determined, battle-hardened warrior appeared into the scene, hoping to be the very best - They'd make it far, but they weren't the chosen one.

There was a prophecy, a prophecy that one day, someone stronger than the others. Determined, and stronger than even the most battle-hardened humans. He was rumored to be able to crush the mighty bosses, such as the legendary three-headed dragon, Horntail. He was rumored to be able to take on crazy, snarling beasts like Zakum on, and demolish them. Noone knew when this hero would come - Who would they be? When? Why them? Bobody knew. Only time could tell.

On a small, remote island, where there was little danger - No snarling winds, growling monsters or tough elements - There was yet another aspiring adventurer, setting off on his journey. He quite clearly wasn't the strongest boy alive - But he was determined. He wore a small rucksack, worn from usage, and a torn cape, battered and torn in the heat of battle. He wore simple clothing - A raincoat and a pair of jeans. He had fire and ambition in his eyes. He didn't know it, but he was going to go far.

He twisted the doorhandle, and pulled the door open - This was it, the first step of his adventure, and definately not his last. He stepped outside, and felt the warm summers breeze twist through the surrounding of trees, blowing his long, glistening strands of brown hair over his glistening blue eyes. His home was in a secluded clearing. It seemed like the only thing here, apart from a single flower. It was dripping with the morning dew, and glistened in the light that seeped through the canopy of leaves. Although just a flower, he felt something special about this lone flower. He slowly approached it. He plucked the flower from the ground, and slid it into his pocket.

He was ready to go. He pulled out a small, crisped parchment scroll, imprinted on it was a map of the small island that he lived on. He scanned over the map. To the south, a bigger island, with much more exploration area awaited him. He planned his journey, and he was set to go.

To be continued (Because I''m too tired to write now)
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#2 Dopple

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Posted 28 June 2012 - 03:02 AM


Adventurers rose up quite frequently, infact, almost constantly.


By all that is holy! Do you see that redundancy over there?!
 

 

Yet, none of them were really that special, they were all flat and the same. Some of them weren't even that determined - They'd stop half way through their journey, and return to the normal life. It was only once in a while when a determined, battle-hardened warrior appeared into the scene, hoping to be the very best - They'd make it far, but they weren't the chosen one.


And you can take for granted we all agree with you on what the one true normal life constitutes, but you didn't bother elaborating. Why is everyone stopping half-way? Why not quarter-way, or 0.66 of the way? Oh, everybody is the same. I forgot. Except for the ones that aren't.
 

 

There was a prophecy, a prophecy that one day, someone stronger than the others. Determined, and stronger than even the most battle-hardened humans. He was rumored to be able to crush the mighty bosses, such as the legendary three-headed dragon, Horntail. He was rumored to be able to take on crazy, snarling beasts like Zakum on, and demolish them. Noone knew when this hero would come - Who would they be? When? Why them? Bobody knew. Only time could tell.


A prophecy so powerful it could only be described in sentence fragments. I'm totally feeling it, heh. And game terminology is sure to be passed down through mystical legends, bobody agree with me?
 

 

On a small, remote island, where there was little danger - No snarling winds, growling monsters or tough elements - There was yet another aspiring adventurer, setting off on his journey. He quite clearly wasn't the strongest boy alive - But he was determined. He wore a small rucksack, worn from usage, and a torn cape, battered and torn in the heat of battle. He wore simple clothing - A raincoat and a pair of jeans. He had fire and ambition in his eyes. He didn't know it, but he was going to go far.


Less telling, more showing. [edit] Also, just as a personal aside, I dislike parallelism. The beauty is in its uniformity, but because of that, it can sound forced or out of place. Your usage especially suffers from this detachment because it's a stylistic choice of a calibre not consistently reflected in other parts of your work. Further, it's an obvious show of the 'hand of the author' which also lends to immersion issues. But feel free to disagree with me.
 

 

He twisted the doorhandle, and pulled the door open - This was it, the first step of his adventure, and definately not his last. He stepped outside, and felt the warm summers breeze twist through the surrounding of trees, blowing his long, glistening strands of brown hair over his glistening blue eyes. His home was in a secluded clearing. It seemed like the only thing here, apart from a single flower. It was dripping with the morning dew, and glistened in the light that seeped through the canopy of leaves. Although just a flower, he felt something special about this lone flower. He slowly approached it. He plucked the flower from the ground, and slid it into his pocket.

He was ready to go. He pulled out a small, crisped parchment scroll, imprinted on it was a map of the small island that he lived on. He scanned over the map. To the south, a bigger island, with much more exploration area awaited him. He planned his journey, and he was set to go.


It's "definitely" the last step of his adventure, seeing as it leads nowhere past the point that he's ready to go, and just in case we forget by the time we reach the end of the paragraph, he's ready to go again.


Dopple loves you. Yes, you.

 





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