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The Adventures of Kishi and Kirra


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Poll: Was chapter 1 good? (6 member(s) have cast votes)

I just wanna know if my story so far is good.

  1. FAN-TAS-TIC. (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  2. It was good. (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

  3. Mehh... T'was ok. (4 votes [66.67%])

    Percentage of vote: 66.67%

  4. It was bad... (2 votes [33.33%])

    Percentage of vote: 33.33%

  5. HORRIBLE. (0 votes [0.00%])

    Percentage of vote: 0.00%

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#1 Paxjax

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 06:26 AM

Chapter 1:
"I'm bored." Kirra the Theif mumbled.
"So?" Kishi the Mage replied in a monotone.
"So show me something interesting."
"Like what?"
"Doesn't Ellinia have a big tree or something?"
"What, the Tree that Grew?" Kishi asked, sitting up.
Kirra nodded and stood up.
"Sure! Let's go; I love that place!"

Soon, Kirra and Kishi were climbing up the Tree that Grew.
Kishi was teleporting up...
And Kirra was climbing up the vines.
They had reached the top very quickly.
"This is as far as we go." Kishi said, glancing up at the treetop from the thick branch.
"Wow...." Kirra said, her eyes glistening. "I can see Henesys's rainforest from here... So this is really the highest point on Victoria Island?"
"Yea!" Kishi replied, excited. "And they say that if you jump from it, you end up in SleepyWood."
"Pssh, yea right." Kirra said.
"What, you don't believe me?" Kishi protested. "It's true!"
"We'll see about that." Kirra ran at the edge of the branch.
"Kirra, wait!" Kishi gasped.
With a moroning smile, Kirra jumped off.
"Arrrgh! That moron!" Kishi said, frusterated and excited.
Then she wrapped her arm around her staff, ran toward the edge, and did a nose dive down.




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#2 Maplekidd

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 12:28 PM

It's an okay story, just that we have no clue what Kishi and Kirra look like, have no idea where they are, or anything really. Add more info, right now it's just alot of speech and a little bit of character's actions.
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#3 Paxjax

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 10:36 PM

QUOTE(Maplekidd @ Nov 14 2009, 01:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's an okay story, just that we have no clue what Kishi and Kirra look like, have no idea where they are, or anything really. Add more info, right now it's just alot of speech and a little bit of character's actions.

It's not my fault I'm terrible at writing stories...

#4 Maplekidd

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Posted 15 November 2009 - 03:40 PM

QUOTE(Paxjax @ Nov 15 2009, 04:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Maplekidd @ Nov 14 2009, 01:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's an okay story, just that we have no clue what Kishi and Kirra look like, have no idea where they are, or anything really. Add more info, right now it's just alot of speech and a little bit of character's actions.

It's not my fault I'm terrible at writing stories...


There's no problem with the storyline, from what I can tell it's a moron and his friend exploring, moron-person obviously dragging them into trouble, and the smarter friend has to help because of his moron actions, which could actually work.

It's just the description.

"Somewhere in a clearing in Ellinia, Kirra the sneaky thief was leaning against an ancient oak, doing nothing but watching how the grass and the beautiful flowers moved in unison with the whistling wind.
"I'm bored." He moaned to his friend, Kishi the mage, who was perched above him at the top of the tree.
"So?" Kishi grunted in a monotone."

Compared to :


""I'm bored." Kirra the Theif mumbled.
"So?" Kishi the Mage replied in a monotone.""
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#5 Paxjax

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Posted 16 November 2009 - 08:07 PM

QUOTE(Maplekidd @ Nov 15 2009, 04:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Paxjax @ Nov 15 2009, 04:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Maplekidd @ Nov 14 2009, 01:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's an okay story, just that we have no clue what Kishi and Kirra look like, have no idea where they are, or anything really. Add more info, right now it's just alot of speech and a little bit of character's actions.

It's not my fault I'm terrible at writing stories...


There's no problem with the storyline, from what I can tell it's a moron and his friend exploring, moron-person obviously dragging them into trouble, and the smarter friend has to help because of his moron actions, which could actually work.

It's just the description.

"Somewhere in a clearing in Ellinia, Kirra the sneaky thief was leaning against an ancient oak, doing nothing but watching how the grass and the beautiful flowers moved in unison with the whistling wind.
"I'm bored." He moaned to his friend, Kishi the mage, who was perched above him at the top of the tree.
"So?" Kishi grunted in a monotone."

Compared to :


""I'm bored." Kirra the Theif mumbled.
"So?" Kishi the Mage replied in a monotone.""


They're girls.
That proves you're calling me a bad writer...
Can some mod close this?

#6 Randallrocks

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Posted 16 November 2009 - 09:37 PM

That's not calling you a bad writer, that's constructive criticism. And tbh, you can't write something that short (unless it's a poem or something) and ask for opinions because it's way too short to actually review.

You need to work on it. It has potential and I like how it's going, but it's not good by any means.


#7 Maplekidd

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Posted 17 November 2009 - 01:46 AM

QUOTE(Randallrocks @ Nov 17 2009, 03:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That's not calling you a bad writer, that's constructive criticism. And tbh, you can't write something that short (unless it's a poem or something) and ask for opinions because it's way too short to actually review.

You need to work on it. It has potential and I like how it's going, but it's not good by any means.


Yeah.
And sorry, Kishi sounded like a man's name for some reason.

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#8 Hellraiser

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Posted 17 November 2009 - 02:01 AM

Kirra made me think of death note =o

Anyways, I thought it was alright but it needs work. If you work on more description it should turn out nicely. You'd be working on Chapter 2 now yea? =p

#9 Dopple

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 03:26 AM

I was more immersed and emotionally involved when I read Japanese fanfiction and could barely understand what was going on. Don't feel too bad about it, though, because really, any other work from here would be similarly hard-pressed to top such a lofty bar. Yours just happens to fall a little shorter than the rest; it reads like a sock puppet show, and not a very good one at that.

I also enjoy that you decided to deflect blame for your own writing skills or lack thereof. Clearly, this is the right attitude to have. So as long as you enjoy writing about hollow plots and plastic characters without any concept of structure, pacing or description, anyway. Here's a small list of things to look out for that may be handy to you or anybody who decides to write like you:

[ ] Does anything substantial happen?
[ ] Does reading my descriptions leave me feeling like a blind man?
[ ] Did I bother to give my characters an identity beyond their name and class?



As for what I was reading earlier, since I can't sleep anyway: at the end the main character was so tormented by the villain's manipulations that he developed a delusion of talking to his friend whom he had had a massive conflict with prior, and in it he tried to make up for their broken relationship.

Edited by Dopple, 22 December 2012 - 07:38 PM.

Dopple loves you. Yes, you.

 





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